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Imperfect_actor
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Country: United States
State: New York
Metro: Long Island
Birthday: 2/2/1977
Gender: Male
Interests: As an imperfect actor on the stage Who with his fear is put besides his part, Or some fierce thing replete with too much rage, Whose strength's abundance weakens his own heart. So I, for fear of trust, forget to say The perfect ceremony of love's rite,
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Art
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
5/17/2005
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| First day of autumn, the equinox, everything is even 12hrs of sun 12hrs of night everywhere in the world today. Balance. Clarity? or just more fog, I don't know I've felt nautious all day. I don't know whats going to happen. I can't chase her anymore, she will give what she will and all I can do is decide if it's enough for me. She has this uncanny ability to destroy. She wounded me deeper than anyone I have ever met. All her friends say "let it go", but everytime she can she reopens that wound, Infidelity, Lies, and apollogies. I know the cycle all to well, and I do not think It will change. I can only decide weather or not I can live like this. I don't think she'll be home tonight. I really did try my best. I swallow it down and smile. I have loved her better than I thought possible. I am failing only because there is something she cannot get from me and I do not know what it is. This might really be it. But I swear I tried. I am still trying. tonight will reveal the truth, she'll be here or she wont. My guess is she will stay with Nikki, snort some coke and hook up with some guy. "I was mad at you" will be her excuse. I have never been jelous, I have never told her what to do or not to do. So like always she'll make her decision and I will have to live with it. But I do not think I was unreasonable. I do not think I was apathetic. I Loved to the best of my ability and she takes it for granted. This is it.......... tonight, new season, the air is cooler, and it will only get colder, winter is coming | | |
| Things I'm getting used to:
1. Shaving with Pink Skintastic
2. Not everyone is as interested in the political ramifications of a soccer match as I am
3. I was not the first, I can only hope to be the last.
4. I have never shared a bed room in my life, it's really not that bad, and has some perks
5. I am not only responsible for myself, thats only half the equation
6. Having long red hairs attatched to everything
7. In case I ever need Pamprin, I have loads of it in my medicine chest.
8. I'm not really that good at being a guy
9. there's a Celine Dion CD in my Stereo
10. Her smell
11. Having dinner cooked for me
12. The silence when she's not here
13. the fact that "enough sleep" is a relitive term
14. Working every day
15. Considering her always
16. I will probably live in the USA for the rest of my life
17. My computer will never have sound
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| home, Huntington, well home till sept 1st at least, then where, I dunno. I'm still decompressing from the past two months. It was truly a beautiful experiance, but the hardest thing I could ever have expected to put myself through.
I have realized that whatever my flaws I am a damn good artist. I can hang with or out do all those MFA grads and proffesional actors i work with. Mainly because I have something they do not, empathy. I may not know too much about Checkov or method but I can communicate and know emotion far beyond those who have studied and practiced beyond the point of stagnation.
Having said that, I am very confident in my future. I am letting go of my own insecurities, shedding that heavy cloak of "I'm not good enough". Perhaps I will take a teaching job. I never though of myself as being good with kids, but year after year I'm the one they come to. Spending the last month carrying their weight of emotion along with my own heavy heart has taught me a strength I have to this point been denying. I am ready.
So humanity, what is it you've got, I can take it, and I will live and be happy damn you! there's nothing that you can do to break me for I am fortifyed by the fact that I know love in a way most of you only get to play at. My life is and will be a testament to love and there's nothing you can do to break that. | | |
| Home at last. I just walked in and I feel like I am in a foreign country. I can't believe I'm here. I miss Erin and I expect her to be coming through the door at any moment. | | |
| I am exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel like sysiphus carrying that boulder up and down the hill. I don't trust anyone today and I feel very alone. I can't help expecting to be betrayed at every turn. But I'm too tired to fight anything or anyone, all I can do is my job and I will because it is the most important thing I do. I'm ready to leave this place, but I am unsure if I am ready to return to the people who are really in my life, the people who are at the core of me, because I don't think I can handle the news they will invariably impart upon me. I just can't take anything at all right now | | |
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